r ^ fe o :). 




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APRIL FOOLS 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 
FOR THREE MALE CHARACTERS 



BY 

W. F. CHAPMAN 



Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. 






NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



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TMP92-008818 




APRIL FOOLS 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Mr. Peter DUNNBROWNE t A gentleman wilh several 

\ marriageable daughters. 

Mr, James Smith . . Who wants to buy a horse, 

Mr. Joseph Smith , An mider taker. 

Time of Representation — Thirty Minutes. 
ARGUMENT OF THE PLAY. 

Mr. Peter Dunnbrowne, a gentleman with several unmarried 
daughters on his hands, receives a note from Mr. John Smith proposing 
for his daughter Fanny. Presently Mr, James Smith calls, he having 
received a letter announcing that Mr. D's mare Fanny is for sale, and an 
amusing dialogue at cross purposes ensues. This disposed of, Mr. Joseph 
Snhth, an undertaker, calls, he having been notified that Miss Fanny had 
suddenly died, and another puzzle follows. Finally it is discovered that 
the letters are all in the same handwriting, and that the receivers have all 
been made the victims of an April joke. 

COSTUMES. 

Dunnbrowne. — Everyday suit. 

James Smith. — Very loud " horsey " dress. Carries hat and cane. 
Joseph Smith.— Shabby black suit, old black silk hat, black gloves, 
rusty old cotton umbrella. 

PROPERTIES. 

Newspaper and several letters on table. Large black bordered letter 
for Joseph Smith. One letter each for James Smith and Dunnbrowne 
to produce. Bottle containing cold tea to represent wine, corkscrew and 
two glasses for Dunnbrowne to bring on. 



APRIL FOOLS. 
SCENE. 



Door 



Boor 



J 



Table & Chairs 



Scene.— Dunnbrowne's parlor. Doors r. and l. Table c, with 
chairs R. and L. of it. 

N. B. A set scene is not essential, and may be dispensed with if 

preferred. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R. means 
right; l., left; C, centre; R. C, right of centre; L. c, left of centre; R. 
D., right door ; L. D., left door ; up stage, towards the back ; down STA(iE, 
towards the audience. 





APRIL FOOLS. 



Scene. — Dunnbrowne's parlor. Entrances R. and l. Table, c. 
Chairs R. and L. of table. Newspaper and letters on the table. 

Dunnbrowne. {without) Well, good morning, my dears, [shows 
himself in the doorway R.) Don't be away all the morning, and 
'do be merciful in your purchases, {enters R.) Happy is the man 
who is not troubled with a trio of beautiful daughters, who are 
incessantly going out shopping. My daughters seem to take a 
delight in spending my money. I suppose they act upon the princi- 
ple that, if a thing is worth doing at all it is worth doing well, and as 
shopping is their chief and only occupation, they strive, and I may 
add, succeed, to do it as well as any young ladies in this mundane 
sphere possibly could, {sits R.) I find it of no use whatever to 
expostulate with them about what I consider their extravagance 
in dress, for they argue that as they do all the buying and I 
do all the paying, it is nothing but a right and proper division of 
labor. Now let me see what trouble has come to me through that 
prodigious engine of commerce, the post office, this morning. 
{opens a letter ) Another bill from Messrs. Newshape and White- 
straw, the milliners ! It is only two weeks since I paid them $25. 
{looks at the bill) — ^37. 50 for millinery ! Enough to provide me with 
hats for twenty years, {opens another letter) More bills! This is 
Mrs. Goodfit's bill for dressmaking : forty dollars, {throws the bill 
on the table) Oh, this is going a little beyond all reason. The fact 
of the matter is, I shall be ruined if this sort of thing is not stopped. 
{walks across the room two or three tiines — then pauses) I wish some 
kind, upright and steady young men of affluent means would come 
forward and take one or two of my daughters off my hands. I'm 
sure they would make excellent wives, {sits R., — takes another 
letter) I am almost afraid to open this one ; but I may as well 
know the extent of my trouble at once— suspense is useless — so 
here goes, {opens the letter) What's this? {reads it over rapidly in 
silence) How opportune ! This is precisely what I have Icrg 
been wishing for. {reads) " Dear sir, — For a long period of time 
I have fondly and madly loved your daughter Fanny, with a pas- 
sion that would require the prolific brain of a poet to describe, but 
I have never had the courage to declare my passion to her." 



6 APRIL FOOLS. 

Well, that is astonishing. If I had known of this before I should 
have avoided paying some of her bills, for I would have had them 
married long ago. [reads) " My object in writing you is to 
inform you that I shall call upon you to-morrow morning, when I 
trust you will favor me with an interview." An interview ! I'll 
favor him -with forty interviews if he will only take one of my 
daughters off my hands, [reads) " My means are amply sufficient 
to justify my taking a wife, so I trust you will not throw cold 
■water on my hopes, but make me eternally happy by giving your 
consent to our union." Throw cold water on his hopes! liy no 
means. If warm water will help to bring about the desired effect 
he shall have gallons of it. [reads) " Hoping you will carefully 
consider this matter and ultimately arrive at a favorable decision, 
I am yours respectfully, John Smith."' [folding the letter) John 
Smith, umph ! Now, the question that arises is, who is this John, 
Smith? John Smiths are almost as numerous as flies around a 
sugar-bowl, but J don't happen to be acquainted with any of 
them. However, 1 shall not be any wiser by wondering who he 
is, so I shall wait patiently until he calls. In the meantime I will 
take a walk around the garden, [goes to door R. — calls) Jane, 1 
am going into the garden. If anyone calls, show him in here and 
let me know immediately, [goes to the table) By-the-bye I must 
put these bills out of sight. If John Smith chances to see them 
they might set him thinking of what he will have to pay when he 
gets married, and be the means of making him alter his mind. 
[puts the letters in his pocket) Exit L. 

Enter, James Smith, r. 

Smith, [speaks at the entrance) Very well. I'll find a seat if 
you will find your master. (Enters — looks around — sits^ R.) I 
wonder what sort of a fellow this Dunnbrowne is. I don't know 
anything about hijn, but he knows something about me or how 
would he be aware of the fact that I am in want of a mare. I 
hope there is no blunder about the affair. I don't see how there 
can be. though. The letter is addressed to me all fair and square, 
and this is the address the letter is dated from [takes a letter from 
his pocket and reads) " 2, Belverley Terrace, Hedgetown, March 
31st. Mr. Smith. Dear sir, — A friend of mine informs me that 
you are in want of a good mare, so I take the liberty of writing 
you to say that I wish to dispose of my thoroughbred dark bay 
mare Fanny. She has splendid action, and is in good condition. 
If you think she may suit you, I shall be at home in the morning, 
and will be glad to see you and give you any information respect- 
ing her soundness, &c. Yours truly, Peter Dunnbrowne." Oh, 
it's all right. There cannot be any error about that — of course 
not. I am rather fond of the name of Fanny. I had a mare of 



APRIL FOOLS. 7 

that name some years ago, and she was a perfect stunner. 
{replaces the letter in his pocket^ I wonder what price he wants for 
her. I am not particular to a few dollars if she's a good goer. 
[takes up the tiewspaper) What is there fiesh in the paper this 
morning? Ah, another breach of promise case, I see. ^500 
damages. Poor fellow. Nobody will catch jne at that game. 
Marriage is out of my line altogether. I always drive clear of the 
ladies, [turns the paper over — reads) 

Enter, Dunn., l. 

Dunn, [aside) So this is John Smith, my would-be son-in-law. 
He appears to make himself quite at home, [coming to the front, 
aloud) Good morning, sir. Mr. Smith, I presume, [extetidijig his 
hand. Smith hastily puts the newspaper down — rises and shakes 
hands) 

Smith. Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne, how do you do, sir ; 
how do you do? Delighted to make your acquaintance, sir. Fine 
morning this, isn't it ? Very fine morning indeed. 

Dunn, [aside) He doesn't seem at all bashful. 

Smith. I beg your pardon ? Ah, I thought you were speaking. 
You are well, 1 suppose ? 

Dunn. Ye — yes, 1 am quite well, thank you, Mr. Smith, how are 
you ? 

Smith. I'm very well, sir, very well indeed ; in fact I am never 
troubled with any complaint excepting the complaints of my 
groom, and he is always full of them — servants usually are. 

Dunn, [aside) Groom ! he keeps a horse, then. He must be 
pretty well to do. [aloud) Take a seat, sir. [they both sit, 
Dunn., l., Smith, r.) 

Smith. Thanks. So you are desirous of disposing of Fanny, 
Mr. Dunnbrowne? 

Dunn, [aside) Disposing oi \\tx\ [aloud) Well er — that is one 
way of putting it, but I scarcely like to [pause) 

Smith. Oh, I quite understand your feelmgs, sir. You have 
grown quite fond of her, and now you find it rather hard to part 
with her; but you'll soon get over that. I've parted with several 
in my time. Excuse my asking, sir, but what are your reasons 
for parting with her? Do you find her too expensive? 

Dnn. Well er — rather; and as I have three of them to keep I 
( pause) 

Smith. I see — you thought you could possibly spare one of them. 
Well now, what are her good points? Is she good at jumping 
walls or fences ? 

Dunn, [aside) Walls ! Fences ! 

Smith. Can she clear a five-barred gate nicely ? 

Dunn, [smiling) Well, er — I really could not answer that ques- 
tion. Jumping is an accomplishment that 1 [pause) 



8 APRIL FOOLS. 

Smith. Perhaps you never tried her at that sort of thing. You 
ought to, sir, it's fine sport. The last 1 had was a perfect 
stunner at it. 

Dunn, [aside] The last he had ! He has been married before, 
then — a widower, evidently. 

Smith. She turned a little stubborn occasionally, though, and 
has thrown me over her head two or three times. 

Dunn, [aside] Bless me ! what a powerful woman she must have 
been. 

Smith. I cured her of that nasty trick after she had repeated it a 
tinTe or two, 1 did so, I gave her the lash pretty freely. 

Dunn, [aside] Why, the man is nothing less than a wife-beater. 

Smith. She soon found out who was master. There's nothing 
so effective as the whip to cure stubbornness, sir, nothing at all. 

Dunn. I suppose not ; but don't you think that kind of treatment 
is rather too harsh ? 

Smith. Oh, dear no ; on the contrary, I think a little now and 
again does them a power of good. 

Dunn, [aside] What a hard hearted fellow he must be. He will 
have to alter his opinions before he marries my daughter, that he 
will, [aloud] I may tell you, Mr. Smith, that if I thought you 
would ill-treat Fanny at all, I should not allow you to take her. 

Smith. Don't be afraid of that, my dear sir, I should not ill-treat 
her if it were not necessary. Does she shy at all when she is out? 

Dunn. Shy ! That is a peculiar question to ask about a 

Smith. Not at all, Mr, Dunnbrowne. I like to know what I am 
getting. If 1 take her from you and find that she shiesat anything 
I shall get rid of her without delay. I shall indeed. 

Dunn, [aside] Well, that is cool. He has the impudence to tell 
me that he would "get rid " of my daughter. I am beginning to 
dislike this fellow. 

Smith. You see, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I want one who will go 
ahead in the face of everything — a regular fast one that's the sort. 

Dunn, [aside] What pecuhar taste some men have! 

Smith. Is Fanny ever troubled with corns .-^ 

Dunn. Corns, sir, corns ? No ! 

Smith. I am glad of that. I don't care to see them walking 
lame in the slightest. It quite spoils their appearance. Is she 
quite sound in every other respect ? 

Dunn. Well, yes, I never heard her complain, [aside] What odd 
questions he asks ! 

Smith. She does not cough or wheeze, Mr. Dunnbrowne, does 
she ? She is not broken-winded at all, is she ? 

Dunn. Broken-winded! I don't understand you, Mr. Smith. 
Why do you ask so many absurd questions about her ? You are 
not obliged to have her if you don't choose to. 

Smith. I am perfectly aware of that, sir. I am simply asking 



APRIL FOOLS. 9 

fair questions. As I said before, I want to know what I am get- 
ting. I don't want to make a blind bargain. Can I see her now ? 
Dunn. Not at present — she is out. 

Smith. Taking exercise, I suppose. Well now, Mr. Dunn- 
browne, I'll tell you what I will do. I will take her a month on 
trial. , . , , 

Dunn. You'll what, sir? You— you'll take hera month on trial ! 
What the dickens do you mean ? How dare you propose such a 
thing to me, sir ! [rises) . 

Smith. Simply because I consider that it is the fairest way ot 
dealing in transactions of this sort. (Dunn walks across stage) 
You have no occasion to be vexed at my proposal. I give you 
my word that I will treat her kindly and pay all expenses during 
the month, and if she does not suit me I will return her. That is 
fair and square for both parties, don't you think so ? 

Dunn. No, sir, 1 do 7iot think so. If you have a notion that I— 
the parent of three blooming daughters— am wilhng to permit you 
to trifle and play with the affections of the eldest of them in the 
manner you have so basely proposed, I must ask you to dispel 
that notion at once and forever, for you never labored under a 
greater mistake in your life, never. 

Smith. Now there is just a little bit of sentiment in that speech, 
and I must admit that you dehvered it in a fair dramatic style, Mr. 
Dunnbrovvne, but you see the general effect is marred by my not 
knowing what you are driving at. What do you mean ? 

Dunn. Mean, sir, mean? I //^z>zy^ I explained myself sufficiently. 
Smith. Scarcely. You volunteer some remarks about your 
daughters. Now, with all the respect that is due to those young 
ladies, I must ask you to put your parental feelings aside for a 
short time, and proceed with the business we have on hand. 
Ladies are out of my line altogether. Between you and me, Mr. 
Dunnbrowne, I am not a marrying man. 

Dunn. Not a marrying man ! Then what under the sun did you 
write me that letter for respecting your love for my daughter, eh ? 
Smith. Write you? Why, I never heard your name before this 
morning. 

Dunn, {aside) This is very strange. Can there he a mis— 
[aloud) Your name is Smith, is it not? 
Smith. Yes, that is my name. 

Dunn. Ah! [takes a letter from his pocket and unfolds it) Now 
tell me, Mr. Smith, on your honor as a gentleman, did you or did 
you not write that letter to me ? [giving the letter to Smith) 

Smith, [reads) " Dear sir,— for a long period of tinie I have 
fondly and madly loved your daughter Fanny with—" Oh, rub- 
bish ! On my honor as a gentleman, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I never 
loved any man's daughter, much less wrote this letter ; besides, it 
is signed John Smith and my name is fames, [returns the letter) 



lO APRIL FOOLS. 

Dunn, [aside) I cannot understand this at all. [aloud) As you 
are not the Mr. Smith I took you for, and have 7tot come to see 
me about my daughter, perhaps you will inform me what you did 
come for. 

Smith. What I came for? Well, that's not bad for you after 
listening to all I have said. Have you forgotten that you wrote 
me saying you had a mare to dispose of? 

Dunn, Wrote you about a mare ! 

Smith. What a forgetful man you must be. [fakes letter from his 
pocket — opens it and gives it to Dunn., who hwks it over) That is the 
letter ; perhaps it will recall the circumstance to mind. 

Dunn. I have not written this, sir. [keeps the letter i7i his hand) 

Smith. You have not? On your honor as a gentleman? 

Dunn. On my honor as a gentleman. 

Smith. That's curious. Have you not got a mare todispose of? 

Dunn. No ; more than that I never possessed one or a horse 
either. 

Smith. Then why did you not say so before? You answered 
my questions about the mare P^anny and 

Dann. Because I thought you were speaking of my daughter. 
You see I am expecting a Mr. Smith here this morning — the 
writer of the letter I have shown you — who is anxious to pay his 
addresses to my daughter Fanny. As he is a perfect stranger to 
me, and as you answered to the name of Smith, I naturally thought 
you were the gentleman I expected, hence the confusion. 

Smith. There is something very pecuHar about this affair that I 

[a hiock is heard at the door, R. Dunn ///A Smith's letter on 

the table — goes to the door ajid opens it. Short pause) 

Dunn. What name did you say? Oh, Smith. Ah, yes, it's all 
right, Jane, show him in. [turns to James Smith) I must ask you 
to excuse me now, Mr. Smith. The other Mr. Smith has arrived. 
I hope you will hear something about the mare before the day is 
over. 

Smith. I hope so, Mr. Dunnbrowne. [takes his hat and cane) 

Enter, Joseph Smith, r. 

James S. [aside) So this is the lover. Ah, poor fellow, [aloud) 
Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne, good morning. 

Dunn. Good morning, Mr. Smith. (Exit, James S. , R.) And good 
morning to you, Mr. Smith, [shakes hands ivith Joseph S., who is 
very pale and looks very mournful ) 

Joseph S. Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne. 

Dunn. Take a seat, Mr. vSmith. 

Smith. Thank you, sir. [sits, R., stands his umbrella betzveen his 
knees^puts his hat on the top of it and looks vacantly before him. 
Dunn, sits l. of table) 



APRIL FOOLS. II 

Dunn, {surveying him — aside) His appearance is not very pre- 
possessing ; but I must not judge him by his looks, {aloud) This 
is a beautiful morning, is it not, Mr. Smith ? 

Smith, {solemnly) It is. 

Dunn, {aside) He is not at all conversational, {aloud) We — we 
— er — we have had, I may say, several beautiful mornings lately, 
have we not, Mr. Smith? 

Smith, {mournfully) We have. 

Dunn, {aside) Umph ! He must be very bashful and nervous. 
I'll get a bottle of wine ; perhaps it will help to bring him to the 
point, {rises — aloud) I am going to my wine bin, Mr. Smith; you 
will excuse me a moment, will you not? 

Smith. Oh, certainly. (Exit, Dunn., L.; j/^rt?^/^;?/)/ — Smith looks 
quite cheerful) Wine bin, eh ! He does not appear to be greatly 
distressed through his daughter's death. It may be that he has a 
large family and does not feel her loss so keenly. Let me see now, 
does he say in his letter when she died ? {takes a black bordered 
envelope from his pocket and takes the letter from it — reads) "2, 
Belverley Terrace, Hedgetown, March 31st. Mr. Smith. Dear 
sir, I am grieved to inform you that my eldest daughter died sud- 
denly this afternoon. Will you kindly call here in the morning to 
make the necessary preparations for her interment, and oblige, 
yours truly, Peter Dunnbrowne." {replaces the letter in the enve- 
lope and puts it in his pocket) So she died yesterday, {cheerfully) 
Ah, well, somebody must die or what would become of us poor 
undertakers? If everybody took a notion to live on from this time 
forward, the whole body of funeral furnishers would die of starva- 
tion. I hear Mr. Dunnbrowne coming, so I must assume my 
customary mournful expression, I always find that it pleases my 
customers, {looks mournful) 

Enter, DUNN. L. , with bottle of wine and glasses — places them on 
the table and begins to draw the cork) 

Dunn. You will doubtless think it peculiar of me waiting upon 
myself, Mr. Smith, when there are servants in the house, but the 
fact is I never allow them to go to my wine bin, for I have dis- 
covered that they sometimes imbibe a little on their own account, 
in consequence of which I never allow the key to leave my posses- 
sion, {filling the glasses) Now, my dear sir, make yourself at 
home, {putting a glass before Smith) Taste that and tell me what 
you think of it. 

Smith, {aside) It is not often I am treated in this manner. 
{aloud) Thank you, Mr. Dunnbrowne. {leans his umbrella against 
the chair, and puts his hat and gloves under the seat — drinks) 
This is splendid, sir. It is really delicious. 

Dunn. Ah, I thought you would say so. {holds his glass up to 
the light — drinks) Is it not exhilarating ? 



12 APRIL FOOLS. 

Smith. It is. [aside) He thinks more of his wine than of his poor 
daughter. 

Dunn, {aside) The wine has not loosened his tongue very much 
yet. He must have another glass, [aloud) Have another glass, 
Mr. Smith, it will do you a power of good, [re-fills '6^\iyC ?, glass) 
• Smith. Thank you, sir. [aside) This is what I call good busi- 
ness ; but I must say that, in all my experience as an undertaker 
and funeral furnisher, I never met a man who bore a daughter's 
death with greater fortitude than this man does, never, [drinks) 

Dunn, [aside) Well he is a bashful fellow. Why does he not 
speak out like a man ? I would commence the subject myself, but 
he might run away with the idea that I was anxious to get rid of my 
daughter, and I should not like him to think that on any account. 
How quiet he sits ! I don't see any thing else for it but applying 
the lotion to his refractory tongue until the desired effect is pro- 
duced, [aloud) Come, Mr. Smith, empty your glass and let me 
re-fill it for you. 

Smith. With pleasure, Mr. Dunnbrowne. [empties his glass. 
Dunn, refills it— aside) I am enjoying myself and no mistake. 
[aloud) Thank you, Mr. Dunnbrowne, thank you. I'm sure you 
are very kind. 

Dunn. Not at all, Mr. Smith. Wlien business such as we have 
on hand is to be transacted, we must make ourselves as sociable as 
possible. 

Smith, [aside) Now that he has mentioned business I had better 
take the hint and commence, [turns towards Dunn., aloud) The 
business that has brought us together is not of a \ ery cheerful 
character, I am sorry to say. 

Dunn. Do you think not, sir? For my part I do not see why 
it should not be. 

Smith. Well, er — it was of your feelings I was thinking, Mr. 
Dunnbrowne, for I know that this event must be a sad and sudden 
blow to you. 

Dunn. Not at all, my dear sir, not at all. [aside) His letter a 
sad blow to me? Pooh ! I look upon it as a very pleasing blow. 
[drinks and crosses his knee) 

Smith, [aside) He speaks of a death as though it were an every- 
day occurrence in his house. 

Dunn. Such things will occur sooner or later in any family, sir. 
We must expect them. 

Smith. Ah, that is true. We never know whose turn is next, 
but it is a great affliction when parent and daughter are parted in 
this way, Mr. Dunnbrowne. 

Dunn, [cheerfully) Oh dear no. I could not expect her to stay 
with me always. Besides, we shall not be parted for ever; I can 
just drop in and see her now and again, you know. 

Smith, [aside) Drop in and see her ! What does Oh, I see, 



APRIL FOOLS. 13 

he must have a family vault, [aiotid] Her loss will be a source of 
immense grief, sir, I am sure. 

Dunn, [in same tone) Why should it be ? All young persons 
are anxious to commence that blissful state of life, for it is gener- 
ally supposed that they are better off — that is to say, they are much 
happier. Not that my daughter has ever been unhappy here, but 
the change will be a pleasing novelty to her, therefore I see no 
reason why I should be grieved at all. 

Smith, [aside) How careless he appears to be about her death, 

and speaks of the next world as a pleasing novelty. A h ! 

[draws a long deep sigh) 

Dunn, [aside) What nonsense to think that I shall be grieved 
because my daughter leaves my roof to begin married hfe ! He 
might be arranging for a funeral instead of a wedding, judging 
from the mournful manner he has of expressing himself, although 
I must say that it is quite in keeping with his appearance, [aloud] 
Fanny has always been a good daughter, Mr. Smith, and deserves 
to be made happy. 

Smith. I can believe you, Mr. Dunnbrowne, and doubt not that 
she will be happy for evermore. 

Dunn. You will do your utmost to make her comfortable when 
you take her, Mr. Smith, will you not? 

Smith. You may rest assured that nothing shall be wanting on 
my part as far as comfort is concerned. 

Dunn. I am glad to hear you say so, sir. Remember that this 
is a great undertaking, but I suppose you have carefully considered 
the matter before coming here. 

Smith. I have, Mr. Dunnbrowne. The responsibihties are very 
heavy in a case like this, I know, but I think I am quite able to 
bear them. When do you wish the ceremony to take place ? 

Dunn. You must suit yourself in that matter, Mr. Smith, I am 
not particular. 

Smith. Very well, sir. Let me see — to-day is Monday — I do 
not wish to hurry you, suppose we say Thursday. 

Dunn. Thursday! So soon ! Do not be too hasty, Mr. Smith, 
let us take proper time over this matter. 

Smith. Well, then, shall we say Friday, or Saturday at the 
latest ? We must get it over by Saturday. It would not do to 
delay it beyond this week. 

Dunn, [aside) Bless us, what a desperate hurry he is in ! In 
his letter he tells me has not proposed to Fanny, yet he 
wants to marry her this week, [aloud) I am not sure that we 
could make all our arrangements in so short a time, Mr. Smith. 

Smith. I can easily manage my portion of the arrangements, 
Mr. Dunnbrowne, and I think you can manage yours if you make 
an effort. We will say Saturday and settle that point. 



14 APRIL FOOLS. 

Dunn. Very well, [aside) I don't know what Fanny will say to 
this. I wish she would come in. 

Smith. Well now, Mr. Dunnbrowne, what church do you 
intend 

Dunn. Oh, I don't mind. Any will suit me. 

Smith. St. Paul's is a very neat and quiet church. 

Dunn. Very well. St. Paul's will suit me if it suits you. I sup- 
pose the officiating clergyman there understands his business as 
well as any other. 

Smith. Oh, certainly. I am partial to St. Paul's because of the 
good and dry quahty of the ground — there is none of that wet clay 
about It. 

Dunn. Well that is rather a good point, Mr. Smith, [aside) 
How considerate he is ! He thinks the ground will be drier to 
walk on up to the church door. I should not have given that a 
thought myself, [aloud) Allow me to fill your glass, sir. [re-fills 
Smith's ^/^55) 

Smith. Thank you, sir. [drinks) I think you did not say how 
many carriages would be required, did you, Mr. Dunnbrowne? 

Dunn. No, I did not. I leave that matter entirely in your hands, 
Mr. Smith. I have no doubt that you understand what is required 
better than I do, so I could not think of interfering with any 
arrangements you can make. 

Smith. Thank you, sir, you do me honor. I suppose you would 
like to have the church bell tolled on the morning of the 

Dunn, [stiffly) Church bell tolled ! Decidedly not, sir. What 
under the sun should we have the bell tolled for ? 

Smith. It is very common in these cases, Mr. Dunnbrowne. 

Dunn, [with determination) Well / don't want to hear it, and 
moreover I won't have it tolled. 

Smith. I am sorry to cause you annoyance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, 
but I thought you would like to follow the custom in such cases. 

Dunn. And tolling a bell at a ceremony of this sort is customary, 
is it? Well /never heard of it before, [aside) My behef is that I 
have given him more wine than is good for him. 

Smith, [surprised) You surprise me, sir. 

Dunn, [carelessly) As you have named the matter I don't mind 
having the whole peal of bells ringing together. Engage the 
ringers for me, will you, Mr. Smith, and tell them to ring as many 
tripple-bob-majors — or whatever they call them — as they like next 
Saturday. 

Smith, [aside) The wine is getting into his head or he would 
never think of engaging the ringers to ring for a funeral, [aloud) 
I will engage the ringers if you wish, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but 
really I 

Dunn. Oh, I will pay all expenses, sir. 

Smith, [aside) Argument is useless while he is under the 



APRIL FOOLS. 15 

influence of that wine. I had better bring my business to an end, 
and take my departure, [aloud) Will you kindly permit me to see 
your daughter ? 

Dunn. It would give me exceeding pleasure to do so, Mr. 
Smith, but she is not in at present. 

Smith. Not in ! [aside] Who ever heard of a corpse going out 
for a walk ! The man is hopelessly intoxicated. It is a blessing 
that I have not been prevailed upon to take more of that wine, or 
I should have been as bad as he. [aloud) If you will allow me to 
see your daughter now, Mr Dunnbrowne, I shall not have to come 
here again to take the measurements. 
, Dunn. Take the what ? 

Smith. The measurements. 

Dunn. The dressmaker will do that, sir. 

Smith, [aside) That wine again, [aloud) Dressmakers do not 
usually take the measurements for a coffin, sir. 

Dunn. Coffin! What are you talking about, sir? Coffin! [aside) 
The wine has made him more garrulous than I wished, [aloud) 
What should we want a coffin here for, eh ? 

Smith, [aside) He is drunk beyond doubt, [aloud) To put your 
daughter in, sir. It is absolutely necessary that you have one. 

Dunn, [angrily) Have you come here to have a joke out of me, 
Mr. Smith, or to make arrangements for marrying my daughter? 

Smith. Neither, Mr. Dunnbrowne. I came to make arrange- 
ments for burying her as requested in your note. 

Dunn, [mystified) Burying my daughter ! Requested in my 
note! What does this mean? Explain yourself, Mr. Smith. 

Smith, [takes letter from his pocket a7id hands it to Dunn) 
An explanation is needless. There is your letter asking me to 
come here and make arrangements for your daughter's interment. 

Dunn, [examining letter) I never wrote this. There is a great 
mistake somewhere, [returns letter) 

Smith. Then is your daughter not dead ? 

Dunn. No ; she is enjoying splendid health, I am glad to say. 
But am I to understand that you are really an undertaker and 
that your name is Smith ? 

Smith. Certainly ! Who and what did you think I was? 

Dunn. A gentleman who wished to inarry my daughter — not 
bury her. [takes letter from his pocket) See, I received this letter 
this morning from a Mr. Smith, who wishes to be my son-in-law — 
[gives the letter to Smith, who looks it over) — and I was under the 
impression that you were the author of it. 

Smith. Then your impression was a very wrong one, for I never 
saw this letter before, [returns the letter) I am already married, 
Mr. Dunnbrowne, and I may say that I have been a father on 
four separate occasions. But who can have sent this letter to me ? 



1 6 APRIL FOOLS. 

Dunn. And who has sent this letter to me ? I cannot under- 
stand what 

James S. {without, R.) All right, miss, I know the way in. 
[rushes, in) Excuse my abrupt entrance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but I 
forgot to take my letter away, and I want to trace the hand-writ- 
ing if possible. 

Dunn, [gives James S. his letter off the table) There it is, Mr. 
Smith. Apparently you are not the only one who is in a quandary 
about a letter this morning. This gentleman is not a candidate 
for the office of son-in-law, as I thought. He has come here in 
consequence of receiving a letter which I know nothing about, 
though it has my name at the foot. By a most peculiar coinci- 
dence, his name, like yours, is Smith. 

James S. How singular. 

Joseph S. Yes sir, my name is Smith, general undertaker and 
funeral furnisher. At my establishment all orders are promptly 
attended to. Kindly make a note of it, sir, you may require my 
services. 

James, [aside, piously) May the time be far distant. 

Dunn. Well, gentlemen, what are we to make of this dilemma? 

James. That's the point. Ah ! I smell a rat ! 

Joseph. A rat ? 

Dunn. Bless us! where is it? (Joseph S, and Du^n mount on 
chairs and look round the room in an alarmed manner) 

James. Don't be alarmed — it was only a figure of speech, [to 
Joseph) Permit me to look at your letter, sir. (Joseph and Dunn 
dismount from the chairs. Joseph hands his letter to ]Pi.uiLS, who 
compares it with his own) The same, I'm certain, [returns ]osK¥u's 
letter— turns to Dunn) Kindly allow me to see your letter, sir. 
(Dunn gives it — James compares it with his ow7i) Exactly the 
same, by Jupiter, [returns the letter to Dunn) It is as I thought. 
All these letters have been written by one hand. 

Dunn. Is it possible ? But what can have been the writer's 
object. 

James. Why, don't you know what day it is? 

Joseph. I see it all. It is the first of April. 

Dunn. So it is ; and we are nothing more nor less than a trio of 
"APRIL FOOLS." 

Dunn. 
James S. Joseph S. 



CURTAIN, 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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016 102 631 1 J 




HELMER 

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A Praeiical and Systematic Guide to the Art o/ Making vj> /or the Stag*. 



PRICE, 25 CENTS. 



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L Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrkal Wigs 
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HL The Make-up — A successful Character Mask, and how to 
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HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 

9 Murray Street, New York, 



